I have never wanted myself more.
For me, a periodic removal is necessary. Escapism? Maybe. But traveling is something that I am good at. It feels comfortable and it seems that I need it. I am hoping that this trip will do what it has done in the past. Energize; though I have been experimenting and staying up to meet the sunrise in Berlin—dancing all the while.
If you know me you know I always have room for sugar. My good friends know I have had a long time obsession with Oreos—and as a sort-of-adult I try to stay far away from them. But before that I used to love graham crackers. I distinctly remember pre-k, when you’re that small that don’t really give you things that are too sweet because, well, the day care aids aren’t really trying to have 20+ four year olds bouncing off the walls. It’s just not a good look. Graham crackers, in retrospect, seemed like a safe snack for a little one.
I realized during this trip that what my dear friend said to me a month ago was true. Without unnecessary context, I am cake.
These days I keep getting asked questions I don’t know the answer to. I ended up with a couple more days to be separate and think about them, and myself. I get very anxious when change is coming. I’m sure the build up will prove to be something different and kind of crazy this time. I slept a lot, so I am very awake.
Giving or wanting to help, or really maybe just wanting to please others, has always been in my nature. The list of examples is too long and it really has been to a fault. Too nice, too concerned, whatever it is, I have had it bad for a while. And though I have experienced plenty of things that have educated me to do otherwise, I still chose sharing myself as a form of love. I give away my cake, often.
Now. Cake here is not a metaphor for anything direct; it is not sex or even any tangible thing, really. It is me- perhaps my time, or energy and emotion. Me. But if everyone gets a slice of your cake, even it its small and sparingly, you may not have enough for yourself. You wont have…yourself. I really love cake. And there is one here, within me. And there is nothing wrong with keeping it all to myself. I won’t apologize for loving cake and saving the extra slices for later.
There is a lot to be done now. And I am excited to put my head down and DO. My trip alone was lovely.
I want everything, but mostly I want me.